Ramblings of the depraved.....
 
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Just between you and I
Posted:Sep 26, 2016 5:20 pm
Last Updated:Nov 28, 2020 5:41 am
205808 Views
0 Comments , 56 Pending
Are you social distancing?
Posted:Dec 1, 2020 3:52 pm
Last Updated:Dec 1, 2020 6:32 pm
69 Views


Um, yah.... Broke all THOSE rules today!

Sigh...

I realized today just how poorly the whole social distancing thing is being executed where I work.

We complain a lot about the customers....

But, it's actually my coworkers who invade my space the most.

"You're fine, you don't need to put your mask on, I'm not worried...."

Really??

You may not be worried, but, I am!

We now have seven confirmed positive cases where I work and your cruising around in my office, leaning over my shoulder to see what I've got on my screen and "I" don't need to put my mask on because you don't think I'm contaminated with COVID.

How do I know that YOU aren't carrying it??

Five of those COVID cases are all from one department because... They weren't worried about catching it from each other.

Beautiful!
5 Comments
Thank you for sharing....
Posted:Nov 30, 2020 4:07 pm
Last Updated:Dec 1, 2020 3:24 pm
266 Views

I feel honored that you chose include in your super personal conversation about your prostate exam with your doctor.

And....

The best part?? The best part was the part where I got to hear your phone , on speaker phone, all the way in my office from where you were sitting in the break room.

Even with my door shut I could hear it...

It was a special moment, indeed.

So, here's the thing folks....

NOBODY wants to hear your fucking speakerphone conversations.

I don't care what Mom and Pop are doing for their 40th anniversary. I'd rather not know about your husband's itchy rash. And, for God's sake, nobody cares what you made for dinner last night.

Take that shit off speaker!

I get it, I really do.... You're worried that people may think you're faking that phone conversation. You're worried that your unpopularity is shining through and the rest of the world can see your vacant, empty inner core....

The speakerphone conversation is not the solution.

The rest of the world will still think you are unpopular with a vacant, empty inner core, only, we will also be thinking 'what an inconsiderate douche' as well.

Guaranteed.
15 Comments
On Today's episode of 'Downstairs Nightmares'...
Posted:Nov 29, 2020 4:09 pm
Last Updated:Dec 1, 2020 12:16 am
481 Views

Secret_lade loses a balcony... And loses her shit!

Beep! Beep! Beeeeeep!!

"WTF?!? Did someone literally pull up the balcony, on the grass, and start beeping??"

Secret_lade is standing in the kitchen, waiting for her coffee finish brewing, when she spies the tell-tale sign of headlights cruising across the backyard.

The Downstairs Nightmares are at it again!

Peering through her doorwall blinds, she watches as the driver rolls down his window have a screaming conversation with one of the Nightmares.

"What the fuck!! Are you going fucking guide back?!? You want pick this fucking thing up right the fuck now!"

Not sure what's happening, but this is gold.

"It's your fucking shit, get it the fuck out of here."

"Oh Fuck You!"

"Don't talk your fucking mother that way...."

Oh shit! Now I'm invested.... bad it's dark out and I can't see the spawn of Mrs. Wolowitz.

From here, it can only go downhill...

Without leaving her apartment, Mrs. Wolowitz has Spawn of Wolowitz pull his truck forward and starts guide him back, I'm assuming the door beneath my balcony.

Only....

Instead of pulling straight back, he's slighty off and hits the support beam my balcony, knocking it right off and into her door wall.

Glass is shattering but my balcony remains in place.

"What the FUCK is WRONG with you morons?!? There is a REASON why there isn't pavement back here!! It's NOT A DRIVEWAY!"

You guessed it! I lost my cool.

"I'm so fucking sick and tired of living above this! You don't need to bother calling the after hours emergency number, I'm doing it right now."

And, I slammed my door shut.

The after hours number is only a voicemail, thank God, because I was livid. It didn't take long for the creepy handyman to show up, though.

He was in and out of my apartment 4 times before he came to the conclusion the balcony was unsafe.

Fucktard!

The only thing holding it up is the fact that it's attached to the roof overhang...

Thankfully it's an easy fix for me, they just have to put the beam bac For the Nightmares, not so much. Handyman was peeved at being called out on a Sunday evening, he's still downstairs nailing something up over the door.

Sounds like it could be a week or before they get the door replaced.

Door needs be ordered, approvals need be gotten from the management company, and the neighbors have for it.

Sucks be them!
30 Comments
Let's go on an adventure!
Posted:Nov 28, 2020 10:04 pm
Last Updated:Nov 30, 2020 3:43 pm
488 Views
Starting feel a little like the crazy cat lady shut in... I decided it was time for the Spawn and I trek out and see a new sight.

McGulpin Point Lighthouse it was!



It's not that often that it's sunny and 45 degrees November 28th in Northern Michigan, we had make the most of what will probably be one of the last nice days for 2020!

The wind was icy and Lake Michigan was angry... But, there were beautiful sights be seen.







I have say, I found it a little odd that this particular lighthouse isn't actually the water, instead, it's a hill and through some trees from the shoreline....

It makes me wonder if that is what the shore line looked like in 1868 when it was first constructed.
18 Comments
Last night I had a dream...
Posted:Nov 28, 2020 5:30 am
Last Updated:Dec 1, 2020 2:41 am
587 Views

When I was in 7th grade the only thing I wanted for Christmas was a dream dictionary...

My grandma had thought I was crazy, but she got it for anyway.

I've always had very distinct, very unusual dreams.

Some seemingly normal, some sexual, some frightening...

My thought was, if I broke down those dreams into parts and pieces that had symbolism and meaning, they would be less scary.

The funny thing is, my dreams always have music in them.

Sometimes I know the song, sometimes I don't....

Sometimes it fits the surroundings, sometimes it does not....

Last night I had a dream that was so realistic it scared the shit out of me. It wasn't anything from my life, and I have dreams like that often, but it feels like it could be from somebodies life.

It started with me walking home and accidentally going into someone else's home. I had apologized and said I wasn't paying attention, I could see the door was open and thought I was home because I always left my door open.

The occupant, an old man, just smiled and shook his head.

I make it home and I'm living in a somewhat dilapidated mobile home. I walk inside and fall asleep on the couch, waking up to find that it has gotten dark outside. Somewhat groggy, I get up and go to the kitchen to turn on the light. The first switch did not work, but the second one did, revealing an orange extension cord on the counter that had been woven into a zigzag pattern and a lit cigarette that had been placed upright on the butt, burned nearly down to the filter. My heart beat fast as this concerned me, it was not there before, and meant someone had been in my home. I picked up the cigarette and the ash fell onto my thumb, burning me.

Glancing around, I pick up a work uniform type jump suit and start to fold it... I can see the shadow of someone behind me on the wall in front of me and turn.

I'm certain I'm not alone.....

This is where I woke up. In real life, I actually was sleeping on the couch as I couldn't sleep last night after I woke up in the night and decided to watch tv in the living room.

The music from my dream was still playing in my head, I could still remember every word...

White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane

My heart was still beating fast and I had to quickly find something else to occupy my thoughts as they would have continued to be in that bad place created by that bad dream.

I can only hope that this was not, in fact, a moment out of someone else's life...
13 Comments
Milestone 500th post!
Posted:Nov 28, 2020 12:27 am
Last Updated:Nov 30, 2020 4:17 pm
626 Views
Is it possible....

Could it be??

Why, yes, it is! It's my 500th post!

[insert confetti bomb here]

And, celebrate this milestone moment with me is Tilly, the Cat.

Tilly, the Cat, who decided to hop in the shower with me today and freak the fuck out.

Apparently the water falling out of the sky was more than she could handle.... And she clawed the fuck out of my ankle before ripping the shower curtain liner down in a failed attempt at exiting the shower.

It was like a scene from an over reaching sitcom....

Shampoo in my eyes, blindly attempting to calm a feral cat as it claws it's way out of the balled shower curtain liner tangled about my feet.

I couldn't make this stuff if I tried.

18 Comments
Squeeze bottle mayonnaise....
Posted:Nov 26, 2020 9:35 am
Last Updated:Nov 27, 2020 5:03 pm
895 Views
Modern day marvel? Or... Recipe for disaster!

You be the judge....



A very happy Thanksgiving all my readers celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday. I hope you can all take the time reflect on the aspects of your life that you are truly thankful for.

*Be thankful you didn't have clean out the lid my mayo bottle this morning. Gross!

Happy Thanksgiving!
31 Comments
Welcome to the Black Friday Purge!
Posted:Nov 26, 2020 12:01 am
Last Updated:Nov 28, 2020 5:40 am
964 Views

Where only the strongest retail worker will survive....

For retailers, Black Friday is the Holy Grail of sales days, for my retailer it is THE biggest sales day out of the year with only Christmas Eve coming in at a close second.

Black Friday is 24 hours of hell with frantic customers searching for amazing deals and they have waited an entire year to cash in on them.

It's an extreme sport for most Black Friday shoppers.

They've saved, they've mapped out stores and researched ads to create strategies to obtain their coveted sale items, they've assembled teams to cover their bases....

It's Black Friday!

With COVID this year, our Black Friday became a week long event....

When you have to count the number of customers coming and going from your store and have leadership staffed at the doors to enforce a mask mand it is no longer possible have just a one-day sale extravaganza!!

For safety reasons, it becomes a week long event!

Which means....

An entire week of Black Friday shoppers.

A week long Black Friday sale becomes more and more like the purge for us retail workers as sale items begin sell out throughout the course of the week.

a regular Black Friday, customers know the products are limited and first come first serve. Once they're gone, they're gone...

But, with a week long sale, the expectation is.... "You have it in the ad! You should have it in the store!! Why advertise it if you're only going to get a few???"

It is now an entire week of pissed off customers once they discover that on Wednesday we no longer have the sale item advertised at 50% with a coupon for $30 off their next purchase as it sold out on Sunday when the sale first started.

Fun times!

It's even better when the items advertised are only on hand because of the sale....

"I'm sorry Ma'am, we don't normally carry that solid gold waffle maker with the ivory handle. I...."

"What do you mean you don't normally carry it?!? It's in your ad!! That is the ONLY item I came here to buy!!"

Uh, yah... I'll just have to ignore that shopping cart full of shit. Do you plan on leaving it at the door when you storm out?? I'll bet you don't....

"This Black Friday is no different than any other Black Friday we've had. We still received products that were just for the sale, we only received specific numbers of items, and once they're gone, they're gone. You just have more days to shop the sale now so we can now keep people healthy and safe."

"Greedy corporations. They do that just to get us in here!"

Abso-fucking-lutely!

Although, I must say, I did manage to capitalize on a couple of Black Friday deals as well.

My Christmas shopping has begun!

Got a set of Air Pods for the spawn for $99 and a new Keurig slim for myself for $59.

Go me!
22 Comments
The Birthday Gift
Posted:Nov 23, 2020 11:02 pm
Last Updated:Nov 26, 2020 3:39 pm
1741 Views
Birthdays in the age of COVID....

The Spawn's little friend had a birthday today, but because of COVID, they had a 'virtual' birthday party.

WTF?!?

Most bizarre thing I've ever experienced.... Personally, I think it was an easy way to get gifts for a without having to them yourself, as, we still had to drop by the house to drop off the gift even though there were no actual birthday party events included.



And, because I'm that person that can get lost trying to find a Dollar General in a one store town, I had to call the parents to get directions to their home.

Planning to just plug an address into my GPS, I was thrown off a bit when the dad actually started giving me directions.

"Head east on M-32 until you get to...."

What was happening here? East?!? Is that toward Joburg or Elmira...

Ugh!

"Hold on, just a sec. I'm driving, I thought you were going to give me your address so I have my GPS set up on my car's navigation screen."

"GPS? You don't need that, the house is really easy to find...." You just drive here, turn here, head up this road a quarter of a mile...

Is he on crack??

I might as well be following the constellations.

Don't ask how I did it, but I did manage to find the house to drop off the gift.

Both Spawns excited, cheerfully laughing through the screen door as we dropped the gift off on the porch, virtual party already underway with my Spawn attending on her phone.

I consider this one a WIN for today.

Happy Monday!
22 Comments
Aluminum Can Shortage
Posted:Nov 23, 2020 3:48 am
Last Updated:Nov 26, 2020 12:02 am
1920 Views

Um.... Wait... What?!?

It appears there is a new shortage on the horizon for Northern Michigan.

Fantastic...

Not only are we brawling over toilet paper, we can't with cash unless we have exact change, but we are now faced with a shortage of aluminum cans as a result of COVID related consumption and inability recycle during the shut down.

Looks like it's glass bottled beer for from here on out...

That is, until there's a shortage of glass, created by the aluminum can shortage.
36 Comments
Hey, Mrs. Wolowitz! Shut the Fuck Up!!
Posted:Nov 22, 2020 2:35 pm
Last Updated:Nov 26, 2020 12:03 am
2056 Views

The longer I live above the Downstairs Nightmares... the more I realize I can't fucking stand them.

I was sleeping pretty sound last night when the sound of hands drumming on the windowsill downstairs woke up.

"JACK! JACK! I need help getting up!"

What the hell?!? I lay there and listened to her yell for what seemed like an eternity when I realized...

I'm living above Mrs. Wolowitz. The only thing missing was her yelling about sex criminals.

Although, I must say, her husband kind of looks like one.... No need to fear them at the door when you're living with one.

I ended up getting up and heading out into the living room, hoping for a little break from the circus, only, it followed me out to the living room. Before I knew it, there was crashing and banging in the kitchen below me and the garbage disposal was going.

Really???

No rest for the weary they say... Or is it the wicked?? Either way, I probably fall into both categories. Lately I feel as though I'm going to hell in a handbasket.

A handbasket without a drink carrier and my fountain pop has spilled all over the front of my shirt.....
29 Comments
The Emotional Manipulator
Posted:Nov 21, 2020 6:15 am
Last Updated:Nov 23, 2020 3:51 am
2077 Views

We all have that Sad Sack coworker has had endure every hard luck story imaginable...

Our Sad Sack transferred to our store about a month ago and works for Nose Hairs.

We had done a company luncheon a few weeks ago and she had complained to that we didn't have a vegan option.

While I sympathized with her, I did tell her that we had a budget to work within and we were using local restaurants that may or may not have vegan options available to us. It was her choice to participate with what food options we had available or choose not to.

I always make sure is a salad option for the employees as we have people with gluten intolerance, allergies, and other dietary restrictions.... So she did not have to go without.

It was after the fact that I was talking with Nose Hairs and he had filled in on her self proclaimed emotional journey....

Abusive husband, no , to feed and support....

I told him to beware, he didn't want to get wrapped up in her 'feel sorry for ' web.

He looked at like I was heartless and said he couldn't help but feel sorry for her, it sounded like she was struggling.

She had him hooked!

I've seen this girl before.... She'll cry because she needs hours but she'll call in all the time. You'll work miracles make her availability fit into the schedule you're writing but then she'll cry because real life has suddenly happened and she has to miss a day for a doctor's appointment. You'll feel bad for her because her rent is late and she's turned on the water works but she refused to work any extra hours because she can't work past sundown on Friday night due to her religion.

I just smiled, said I didn't feel sorry for people like that, and walked away knowing full well this story was going to come full circle.

And, it did.

Imagine my lack of surprise when Nose Hairs came to me, yesterday, complaining the Sad Sack wasn't going to be coming to work at all and he wasn't going to feel sorry for her anymore because she didn't have any .

"So, [Sad Sack] just texted . She over slept. Apparently she's decided to just not come in at all."

"It's like 2 o'clock. What time was she scheduled?"

"That's not the point. She overslept?? So, she's not coming in at all?? It doesn't get dark out until 5. She's always crying because she's broke, she could be working some hours."

I knew she was scheduled at 6am and probably didn't call in at all, just deciding to Nose Hairs cover her bases.

"Why does matter if 's dark?"

"Because of her stupid religion, remember? She can't work past dark on Friday's."

"You realize she's got you wrapped. You just allowed her get out of an improper call in and she left you short. She knows you're going let this stuff happen so she's now working her angles."

He just looked at me... But was like a light went on in his head.

He knew I was right.

"You said this was going happen, and, you were right...."

Here's the thing. really is no difference between Sad Sack and I other than what we've chosen do with our life.

Sad Sack relies on emotional manipulation and pity survive, always looking for someone 'take care of her'.

I know this type of person well as this was my mother.

I learned very early on that this was NOT the life I was going live. I knew that if I wanted things out of life, I needed make them happen. I needed be smart, I needed be kind, and I needed be able take care of myself because nobody else out probably would.

"
26 Comments

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