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The Beast Burrow
 
All things Beastly for my millions of adoring fans to enjoy on a daily basis.
Also - Where my minions come to check their work schedules, review their job assignments, and pick up their paychecks. Your check is down that hallway to the right #4562. Keep going. You'll see the door....can't miss it. Keeeeeep going.
Aaaahhhhh He's a good kid.
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Safety precautions for women - Edition
Posted:Jun 7, 2013 2:03 pm
Last Updated:Jun 11, 2013 4:35 pm
26961 Views
I don't normally go in for cutting and pasting things I didn't write or draw myself, but this deserves to be shared. I couldn't have done it better myself.

2 Comments
BookFace - Edition
Posted:Jun 7, 2013 7:10 am
Last Updated:Jun 9, 2013 5:40 am
26945 Views

Greetings and salutations, minions!

I've lost a number of my minions, being absent from the blogs for so long. Now I think I'm also about to lose the majority of my "friends" on BookFace as well. I guess it won't be too bad considering I don't even remember who half of them are.
I've tried to hold my comments for as long as I could on there, but the temptation is simply too great, and I'm losing my battle not to be a complete smartass.
There are several SubFacers (That's what I call them.) on BookFace who tend to stick to a specific type of post every day. One of the SubFace groups post pictures of something from their youth, and ask everybody who remembers it to "LIKE" it.
It's particularly funny when the subject they've posted is a product that is actually still available, apparently unknown to them, in stores today.
"Like if you remember- [insert random picture of toy or clothing you had 20 years ago]these!"
I so badly want to comment, "No.... only your steel-trap of a mind can retain the memory of a product that Wal Mart is selling for $14.99 at this very moment."

I wonder if our great great great great ancestors did something similarly inane back in the day? Maybe they sent woodcuts of like...... chariot wheels or something to all of their friends, and wrote notes saying, "Send up two smoke puff likes if you remember these!"

BEAST OUT
2 Comments
Jungle Fever - Edition
Posted:Jun 7, 2013 5:46 am
Last Updated:Jul 1, 2013 11:32 am
27504 Views

Sorry, minions. This post isn't about what you probably thought it was about, but stick around anyway. You still may find it interesting.

So I've been giving some thought to Tarzan lately, and applying a bit of scientific rigor to the Lord of the Jungle.
I've come to the conclusion that his chosen method of transportation, chiefly being the swinging from one vine to another, wouldn't have worked for shit.
As a youth, I used to go down to the river and visit The Rope with my buddies. There were other ropes in different locations, but the one on the Manistee River was "THE Rope". It was a very long rope, attached to a very high limb on a tree overhanging a particulary deep portion of the river.
We would grab the rope and then try to scramble as high up the riverbank with it as possible in order to get the most impressive swing during our turn.
Tarzan is always seen swinging mightily through the trees, transferring himself from one vine to the next in a constant direction. (Apparently whoever he was chasing or wherever he was going never changed direction)
This would have actually gotten Tarzan nowhere fast. He could have grabbed the initial vine, and perhaps carried it up into some higher branches in order to generate his initial momentum. Upon reaching any second vine, however, he would have more or less come to a stop, that second vine more than likely hanging vertical, and offering nothing in the way of continuing his forward mobility.
Tarzan would have simply bellowed out his trademarked AaaahaaahAaahhhAhhhhAhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaa, swung about 20 feet, grabbed the second vine, and hung there...... looking stupid.
I'm sure after being mocked for not understanding some basic physics by the gorillas, Tarzan would have stuck to running wherever he needed to go.

BEAST OUT
2 Comments
OneStrangeBeast's Imagined History Minute - Edition
Posted:Jun 5, 2013 2:30 pm
Last Updated:Jun 10, 2013 12:03 pm
26575 Views

This is simply the way I imagine a rather small bit of culinary history might have transpired.

(Man 1) This bread product that I've created is missing something. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it definately needs... something."

(Man 2) I've got this big sack of sesame seeds which aren't really good for much. Why not toss a handful onto the top of each one?"

(Man 1) Will they add any noticeable flavor, or perhaps improve the texture in any significant way?"

(Man 2) Not really. They don't really have any flavor to speak of, and they won't alter the texture to a degree making it worth the extra effort in my opinion. As a matter of fact, the majority of them will more than likely flake off and end up in your lap while you eat."

(Man 1) What the heck, let's give it a shot. MMMmmmmmmmmmm..........Fucking nailed it!"

BEAST OUT
1 comment
Half Naked Wednesday (MEME): Early Edition
Posted:Jun 4, 2013 5:35 pm
Last Updated:May 8, 2020 4:30 pm
27771 Views
This will of course be much funnier if you keep up with internet memes. If you don't, go to Google images and search, "One does not simply walk", and you should get plenty of examples.
Everybody have a fantastic, half naked wednesday.



BEAST OUT
4 Comments
Just a stroll - Edition
Posted:Jun 2, 2013 9:53 am
Last Updated:Jun 3, 2013 6:12 pm
9823 Views
I just thought I would share the picture that my took of me the other day. He didn't quite allow me the time to strike my pose, and actually turn toward the camera.

3 Comments
If you truly believe in freedom : Edition
Posted:May 26, 2013 2:01 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2013 7:25 pm
9393 Views

Howdy, minions, and welcome to the Memorial Day weekend installment of the Greatest Show on Earth without man-eating animals.

I would like to take this opportunity as a veteran to express my thoughts on freedom, and the state in which we find ourselves treating one another in this country. (I'm in the U.S. BTW for any of my overseas minions.)
Everywhere I go these days, people are becoming more and more in-your-face as they express their personal beliefs, and ridicule those of everybody who doesn't share them.
I see bumper stickers on a daily basis which inform me that I deserve anything from a simple beating, to literally being flayed alive, or chased out of the country for not sharing the same viewpoint as the person in front of me on the road.
The internet is a one-stop shop for heated arguments, insults, and hatred. There are seemingly no limits to the number of sites you can visit if you desire to unleash your wrath on another person from the safety of your own basement.

On this weekend where we are supposed to be remembering and honoring those who died over the years in the pursuit of our freedoms, let's all try to realize one very important factor that many people don't seem to grasp. If you look around yourself, and nowhere is an opposing viewpoint or belief to be heard or seen..... then you're no longer living in a free society.
The very fact that your neighbor may be your polar opposite in all things political is the only proof you have on a daily basis that freedom is still had, not just by you, but by them as well.
Once all forms of dissent are squashed, and everybody lives their life, and believes the same set of ideas, then freedom has left the building.
I literally saw a man the other day with two bumper stickers. One of them said FREEDOM! in large, bold lettering, and the second stated that anybody who voted for so-and-so should leave the country. Irony..... he has failed to grasp it completely.
If you happen to be one of those types who hates anybody with an opposing view that much, then you don't truly believe in freedom in your heart. You may pay lip service to it, but what you really desire is across-the-board compliance to the way you view the world.
That may sound good on first inspection, but if you know anything of history, those have turned out to be the absolute worst circumstances to live under for the majority of people throughout history.
I'm not saying you should invite your polar opposite to your Memorial Day cookout, but maybe take a moment to reflect on whether you truly desire to live under "free" conditions. If upon further thought you find some merit to what I've said, spend Memorial Day scraping off a bumper sticker or two, and at least be thankful your neighbor CAN see things differently than you.

BEAST OUT
0 Comments
If you decide to lead a life of crime - Edition
Posted:May 23, 2013 11:02 am
Last Updated:Jun 7, 2013 11:49 am
9869 Views
Howdy, minions, and welcome back to another exciting installment of The Beast Burrow Arts and Crafts Hour.

Today I would like to help those people out there who are contemplating a life of crime. Far too many criminals are completely stupid as to how to successfully pull off a Crime of the Century.
Here's one helpful hint from The Beast to you which may improve your chances of "Getting away with it".

One of the key components in any successful crime, is the getaway vehicle. My suggestion is that you head to a Home Depot, and purchase about 20 cans of Stone Texture Spray Paint, and completely paint your getaway vehicle with it. You may also want to add a white stripe across the roof, as well as partially down the windshield.
Your getaway vehicle will now blend in quite nicely with the pavement of most roads you'll be using to make it to safety after committing whatever fiendish act you've engaged in.
If you'll notice in the collage which I've assembled, my imaginary criminal is all but invisible to overhead police helicopters, and he has evaded capture all the way down into Mexico.



That's it for arts and crafts today . Enjoy the rest of whatever it is you do.

BEAST OUT!
2 Comments
Long time no rant part deux: Edition
Posted:May 21, 2013 6:42 am
Last Updated:Jun 7, 2013 12:16 pm
8733 Views

I'm back, minions! I promised you at least two rants, and when The Beast makes a promise, he delivers.... as long as it's within reasonable working hours.

RANT 2 - I've decided there is simply no good reason for the letter Q to have been added to the english alphabet. It's not needed, and seems to have been added for style, not substance.
The letter Q does not add a new sound to the palate which wasn't already covered well by either C, or K.
A cuick respelling of a few kwintessential words in the Q basket will cuite adekwately demonstrate my point.
I simply can't think of any words that we couldn't have pronounced just fine without adding that little piggy tailed, mocking letter Q to the ekuation. See..... I did it again.
There are many unnecessary components to our language, even ones we've added since breaking free from Europe. We'll say, "That bush has thorns on it." when "That bush has thorns on." does just fine. The "it" isnt really necessary. I wouldn't think you meant, "That bush has thorns on... my dog's ass."
George Carlin had some really great examples back in the day. (R.I.P)
One of his that I liked, was his observation that "Emergency Situation" has one too many words. If it's an emergency, we already know it's a situation. We also know that if somebody states that there's a situation, it's likely to be an emergency.
So anyway..... I highly doubt I'm going to convince the rest of the world that the letter Q isn't needed, and that we should lower the numerical value of the alphabet to 25. I still wanted to point out the fact that it's a piggy tailed little bastard, and I only allow its continued existence because I don't have time to burn millions of dictionaries, and start over.

BEAST OUT!
3 Comments
Long time no rant - Edition
Posted:May 20, 2013 5:32 pm
Last Updated:Jun 7, 2013 12:18 pm
8645 Views

Welcome, minions, to a special presentation of The Beast Burrow Rant, now with extra offensive odors!

I haven't been around much these past months. I had more or less run out of clever topics to discuss, and I was also feeling a bit down being out of work for the first time in 20 years and all.
I finally got a respectable job offer last week, and for some reason that fact kicked my brain back into clever mode. I thought of not one, but two rants to share with you all today.
I just haven't decided whether I should burn through them both in a single post, or save one for later.
I'll get started and see where the typing takes me.

RANT ONE: I am completely sick and tired of the Anti-Texting-While-Driving campaign that is currently flooding the television, and other media sources. I have to hear about every person who dies in an automobile accident who couldn't manage to split their attention between driving and their phone in a successful manner.
The reason this is pissing me off so much, is because it's absolutely nothing new. I guarantee that millions of people died in automobile accidents due to being distracted drivers well before text messaging was even a possibility.
Millions of people have died while trying to find their Stryper cassette tape, applying makeup, trying to dig their last cigarette out from between the seats where they dropped it, spilling their Big Mac and medium Coke into their laps during a turn, getting road head, attempting to pull thier paperwork from their dog's mouth in the back seat, and any number of other, similar incidents.
The only reason the text messaging angle is getting so much attention, is because it leaves an electronic finger behind to point the blame at the distracted driver.
I have to see commercials with pretty actresses telling me that "No text is worth dying for."
I don't remember John Candy making commercials back in the day, stating that "No cheeseburger is worth dying for.... except maybe that one....with bacon."
Nothing against John Candy by the way. He just seemed like a man that probably enjoyed the occasional cheeseburger.
Text messaging while driving isn't the problem. People not being able to successfully split their attention for a moment or two here and there is the problem.
My final duty while active in the U.S. Navy, was as a Level 2 Tactical Boat Coxswain. My average mission consisted of me steering a high speed boat with one hand, controlling the throttle and buckets with the other, operating both a marine band, as well as an encrypted radio set, all while relaying orders to my crew, or receiving information from them. I did all of that while maneuvering in sometimes rough seas, alongside ships large enough to crush my boat like a wounded penguin.
I can write and send a text while driving without so much as accidentally running over a squirrel.

So that's my rant. I'm just tired of this flavor of the week.

I hope everybody has a great evening/day/morning/whatever, and drives home safely.

BEAST OUT
4 Comments
Buy this book! Edition
Posted:Apr 28, 2013 2:19 pm
Last Updated:May 6, 2013 2:32 pm
9549 Views

Hello to all of you in East Bloggington,

I would normally address an initial greeting to my minions, but I highly doubt they're still lurking. I've been away far too long. I'm sure they've all found a new master. Sniff

Anyway..... I'm just here to recommend a book for anybody interested. It's available on B & N at the moment. It's title is as follows...

Suburban Slums: The Secret Life of One Woman

It's probably not nearly as good as the blockbuster 50 Shades of Chartreuse. As a matter of fact, I got a sneak peek prior to publication, and it's a painful read for those who appreciate proper spelling, sentence structure, and other little things of that sort.
I'm still recommending it though, because it was written by my older sister, and it's her true story.
I'm even in it, except my name was changed to Rick I believe.

So buy a copy and support her efforts. She's come a long way since her release from prison after 18 years of incarceration.
4 Comments
A liberal sprinkling of firepower - Edition
Posted:Feb 1, 2013 11:43 am
Last Updated:Feb 12, 2013 9:26 am
14047 Views

The Beast is more liberal than conservative on the majority of "social" issues. He's more conservative than liberal with economic issues.... especially in his own pocket right now.
I don't see why there's push-back on the idea of having armed security guards at our public schools right now though.
We have somewhere in the neighborhood of 100,000 public schools in this country. I couldn't get too precise a picture from the various websites I used to try and nail down a number. 100,00 happens to be a nice, square figure for me to use though.
If we put two armed security professionals at each school, we would have just created 200,000 new jobs in one swipe, as well as (hopefully) made it less likely some nut would decide to target a school when they decide to go full blown, batshit crazy.
This country also has a very high rate of unemployed veterans running around, who can't find work because their military career didn't give them the skill sets that translate well to the civilian world. Turn to those individuals first in order to get them into those positions at our schools.
If ex-military individuals have any skill set at all, it's standing watch over somebody, or something while armed.We've all been through more Use of Deadly Force training than you can shake a stick at, and have a fairly good idea of how the Deadly Force Triangle works.
Opportunity, Capability, and Intent. We know the terms. We know the definitions. We have at least some level of real world experience making decisions based upon them.

I imagine there's also a large number of retired law enforcement personnel that are still in decent shape, and wouldn't mind making some extra money in their retirement. (Just screen them thoroughly to weed out those steroid freaks I mentioned a couple posts back!)

The bottom line is that there aren't too many drawbacks to having well trained security professionals at our schools. I'm sure somebody could pose some worst-case-scenario arguments against it, but you can pull those out of your ass for just about any situation. I spent 20 years in the Navy, and heard some of the most far-fetched, worst-case-scenario worries you could possibly hear without laughing directly in the face of a superior and risking a bad day.
These positions could be treated as much more comprehensive than your average mall security. Basic and advanced First Aid, as well as other skills could be a requirement of their training. I could see some basic psychology even coming in handy.

Believe it or not- one of the first, most basic, and simplest military deterrents we employ on a national/international level, is presence. We stop people from doing things simply because they know we're there, and they think twice about engaging.
If a would-be shooter simply knew there would be the possibility of an armed resistance at a location, it would greatly reduce the chance that they would move on that location.

I'm more liberal than conservative.... but I can see the simple truth in that.
3 Comments
Getting in deep.... No.... I don't mean vajayjay. Edition
Posted:Feb 1, 2013 10:19 am
Last Updated:Aug 17, 2013 2:48 am
13383 Views

Every now and then, The Beast likes to pretend he's a deep thinker who can make other people think deeply as well. Today is one of those days.
I've avoided writing about the topic of religion on here for the most part. It's just one of those topics that can leave too many people butt-hurt.
I want to write about a fairly general religious subject though, that won't specifically make fun of any one brand of batshit crazy people. Ha.... I made myself LOL on myself.
The subject I'm speaking of is prominent in many religions.... the belief in a Paradise/Heaven/Valhalla/Happy Happy Joy Joy for Eternity Rent Controlled Afterlife.

Most people that I've ever listened to who try to descibe what they believe this afterlife will be like are extremely vague. Beyond, "It will just be peace, and joy, and love, and reuniting with loved ones forever!", there's never much really deep thought put into it.

I don't personally subscribe to any religious doctrine, or belief in anything beyond our time here on Earth, and what we do with that time.
If I had to conjure up an image of what I think an eternal paradise would be like, I can only come up with something that wouldn't resemble anything like what most other people look forward to.
I picture an overall erasure of the self, or the ego. Borrowing from an online dictionary for a quick definition:

1. the “I” or self of any person; a person as thinking, feeling, and willing, and distinguishing itself from the selves of others and from objects of its thought.
2. Psychoanalysis . the part of the psychic apparatus that experiences and reacts to the outside world and thus mediates between the primitive drives of the id and the demands of the social and physical environment.

In order for any "paradise" to function as such, you wouldn't be able to take along any of the mental aspects of yourself that make you.... yourself. We, as humans, simply have too much baggage upstairs for it to be useful and functional in that sort of environment.
Even if you were reunited with loved ones and family who passed away ahead of you, you most certainly have favorites, and others who you didn't care quite as much for.
With the rare exception of those individuals who would rather set themselves on fire, or in some other way sacrifice themselves rather than to take another's life, or engage in warfare, we're simply a species with a great deal of animal rage beneath the surface. Look at the faces of parents at any little league game to see one of the lower levels of what eventually blooms into international warfare and hatred.

It would simply be impossible for anything resembling any definition of Paradise/Heaven/Valhalla/Happy Happy Joy Joy for Eternity Rent Controlled Afterlife to exist if we took our egos along with us when we went.
I can only see a harmonious and functioning paradise as being something akin to an ID driven beehive, with each of us fulfilling our "purpose" without question, without feeling, without deep thought. A colony with a hive mind, all dedicated to servitude toward whatever your idea of the creator (queen bee) might be.

It simply doesn't work if we take along all of the thoughts, feelings, attitudes, beliefs, and ideas which make us individuals. There would exist as much wiggle room for disagreement, hatred, lust, anger, and all of the other baggage we have here on Earth which makes humans.... human.

Our concept of time would have to be altered as well. I don't care how fun. cool, awesome, pleasurable something is..... it eventually gets boring, old, tedious, and mundane.
Few people who say "This is the coolest thing EVER!, and I'm going to love it for my entire LIFE!", are still saying that at 60 when they first uttered it at 12 years old.

I could probably go on, and actually wrap this post up in a clear and concise way..... but I'm bored.
1 comment

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