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At the Funeral Home  

secret_lade 49F
14128 posts
6/17/2021 5:10 am
At the Funeral Home


My brother, my dad's sister, and my dad's brother and wife met the Spawn and I at the funeral home yesterday.

I was so happy not be alone.

I had not met my dad's brother and wife in person, we had merely remained in communication on faceplace, so they had waved excitedly when they drove past us in the parking lot.

My brother was also pulling into the parking lot at this point too.

While I'm glad that he is here, and taking care of the details this time, I also know the only reason he is here is because he sees dollar signs in his eyes.

I can't even tell you how many times he said he was the beneficiary of dad's life insurance policy while we were at the funeral home yesterday. Even as we were sitting there, talking about burial plots and caskets, he was focused on getting into dad's apartment and cleaning out his belongings.

"I know that policy is in there."

At the end he was talking about going through dad's stuff and wanting to sort it with me and I told him, I'm not going to want anything that was there.

"Bobby, I'm not going to want anything that was in that apartment. There is no need to sort."

"Mom's stuff was in there too."

"I know. Like I said, there isn't going to be anything there that I would want."

I had said it kindly, it was definitely not said out of anger or bitterness. He looked at me like, how could I not want mom's stuff?!?

He doesn't exactly remember her the way I do....

I remember the woman who was emotionally and verbally abusive to me, the cigarette burns on my wrists are a permanent reminder to me of that.

Ugh....

So, day two of the funeral home looms ahead for me. Once again we are all coming together to finalize the obituary. We will be finalizing final costs of the burial and setting processes in place.

A chapter of my life is coming to a close

Thursday!

secret_lade 49F
9227 posts
6/18/2021 5:10 am


secret_lade 49F
9227 posts
6/18/2021 5:10 am

    Quoting mc_justmc:
    Damn! I was hoping this part was going to go smoothly.
Uh, yah.... Not smoothly at all.


mc_justmc 63M

6/17/2021 6:47 pm

Damn! I was hoping this part was going to go smoothly.


secret_lade 49F
9227 posts
6/17/2021 3:15 pm

    Quoting pagancountrygirl:
    Wow....it's just one thing after another! My heart hurts for you being in this situation. Hopefully, somewhere, you can find some good memories of your father. Hopefully your brother will find the happiness he seems to be looking for with whatever he finds during his search of your father's belongings. But it will soon be over and you will be able to move on.
I am so ready for it to all be over.... I haven't slept in days.


mufdiver69er2 63M  
1953 posts
6/17/2021 3:15 pm

    Quoting secret_lade:
    According to the medical examiner, my dad died on May 28th and sat in an apartment all that time. We've had high heat and high humidity for days, he was in such bad condition that, even when I went to identify him, I was not allowed to actually see him. I identified him by personal items the medical examiner had deemed acceptable to prove identity. It's a really sad state of affairs....
ok..closed casket..still do-able...its more about the venting for you than anything else...

woop woop


secret_lade 49F
9227 posts
6/17/2021 3:13 pm

    Quoting CUMHANDLEME:
    Funerals are never stress free. The process can bring out side of people which are ugly or beautiful.

    As you said, just another life's charters closing.

    Abuse or addiction are insidious behaviors that breed so much destruction in it's wake.
I had a lot of hard feelings toward my dad for a long time. Once I realized I could forgive him and accept the fact that he was not going to ever change, I was able to let go of those feelings. Being mad and feeling hurt didn't solve anything. I forgave him for being lost and hoped he'd one day find his way.


secret_lade 49F
9227 posts
6/17/2021 3:09 pm

    Quoting citizen4722:
    It's understandable that you didn't want anything that your mum left.
    You'd think your somewhat selfish brother would be happy to believe there would now be more for him.
He was better today. When we were waiting for the funeral director, he and I talked. I told him that I was happy with my life and I worked hard to get it where I needed it. I also told him that I did not want anything from that apartment, not because I didn't love my parents, but because to me it would be a constant reminder of someone who had not wanted me in their life. I told him I was ok with everything going to him for him to choose what he wants to do with it. He said he understood.


secret_lade 49F
9227 posts
6/17/2021 3:04 pm

    Quoting lust4life59:
    Grief is a horrible emotion, made even worse for the things we wish could have been different.....if only........... I'm sorry you are are having to go through this. My heart hurts for you.
Thank you... My heart hurts too.


secret_lade 49F
9227 posts
6/17/2021 3:04 pm

    Quoting mufdiver69er2:
    id like to offer some advice,take it or leave it...get some time with the body,alone..the funeral director staff can arrange it...since what made him HIM is gone..vent every single word you ever wanted to say and didnt..get it all out then walk away with hopefully enough closure to go on with the least detritus behind..as Paul pointed out..its the last time to have the chance before the body is gone from sight...also..just an opinion..try not to be so hard on asshole brother..he may have been formed by some of the same dysfunction you were..above all remember you are doing your damndest to do better for yours than was done for you..
According to the medical examiner, my dad died on May 28th and sat in an apartment all that time. We've had high heat and high humidity for days, he was in such bad condition that, even when I went to identify him, I was not allowed to actually see him. I identified him by personal items the medical examiner had deemed acceptable to prove identity. It's a really sad state of affairs....


pagancountrygirl 66F
6466 posts
6/17/2021 2:59 pm

Wow....it's just one thing after another! My heart hurts for you being in this situation. Hopefully, somewhere, you can find some good memories of your father. Hopefully your brother will find the happiness he seems to be looking for with whatever he finds during his search of your father's belongings. But it will soon be over and you will be able to move on.

Pagan
Hmmmm....I know I left that wand around here somewhere!


CUMHANDLEME 61F  
794 posts
6/17/2021 2:47 pm

Funerals are never stress free. The process can bring out side of people which are ugly or beautiful.

As you said, just another life's charters closing.

Abuse or addiction are insidious behaviors that breed so much destruction in it's wake.

Do you have any Primal Urges ... I do, please CUMHANDLEME and explore some of my naughty and nice Primal ... Urges with me !!!


mufdiver69er2 63M  
1953 posts
6/17/2021 12:14 pm

id like to offer some advice,take it or leave it...get some time with the body,alone..the funeral director staff can arrange it...since what made him HIM is gone..vent every single word you ever wanted to say and didnt..get it all out then walk away with hopefully enough closure to go on with the least detritus behind..as Paul pointed out..its the last time to have the chance before the body is gone from sight...also..just an opinion..try not to be so hard on asshole brother..he may have been formed by some of the same dysfunction you were..above all remember you are doing your damndest to do better for yours than was done for you..

woop woop


lust4life59 65F  
2552 posts
6/17/2021 11:52 am

Grief is a horrible emotion, made even worse for the things we wish could have been different.....if only........... I'm sorry you are are having to go through this. My heart hurts for you.


citizen4722 66M  
74582 posts
6/17/2021 8:05 am

It's understandable that you didn't want anything that your mum left.
You'd think your somewhat selfish brother would be happy to believe there would now be more for him.


citizen4722 66M  
74582 posts
6/17/2021 8:03 am

It's understandable that you didn't want anything that your mum left.
You'd think your somewhat selfish brother would be happy to think there would now be more for him.


secret_lade 49F
9227 posts
6/17/2021 7:45 am

    Quoting notsure1949:
    know what you are going through, buried mother and sister within 7 weeks of each other, niece and her hubby wanted to search the house, no will but lots of junk papers and stuff that nobody really wanted, niece was raised by my mom and sister and thought she was getting everything, but alas no will, so things got split between my other sister and me. an executor, her hubby,and me cleaned out the house of hoarders. mom was buried, sister cremated, both put in same grave. had to get executor because i was not trusted.
Greed is a terrible thing. My brother is a fucking asshole even under the best circumstances, his 4 oldest children won't have anything to do with him. I look at this situation this way... the less I have to do the better it is for me. He wasn't a part of my world in life, why should he be there in death?


secret_lade 49F
9227 posts
6/17/2021 7:39 am

    Quoting justskin1:
    A very stressful time with so many memories. May you get through it all without too much pain or drama.
    Try to take good care of yourself and notice the bits of good and beauty that come by. I say try as it is not always easy.
    Sending a hug of encouragement.
Thank you, that is appreciated so much. I will try.


secret_lade 49F
9227 posts
6/17/2021 7:38 am

    Quoting CL_Love:
    My stepsister somehow got my dad (who was both blind and super not well in renal failure) to sign some BS "new will" that basically cut me and my sister out. But she was a moron and he signed it without a notary present so it was thrown in the garbage. Unfortunately, she also got a bunch of his bank accounts moved to her name, got her mom to sign a beneficiary deed to a house and just flat out stole and pawned a bunch of other stuff. There wasn't even enough money to pay for the entire funeral after two years of probate hell. So sorry you are having to deal with this.
    Part of me is a little bitter that all the years of hard work my dad put in amounted to him dying on the youngish side basically penniless. Part of me knows he gave me more wealth through instilling in me a hard work ethic and a god given intellect to be able to care for myself. He also got me away from my abusive mother at 14 (should have done it sooner, but he wasn't perfect). So I get it. (((HUGS)))
Even if he had anything... I would not fight for it. It can all go to my brother, I'm ok with it. It might have been a little different if any of it had any nostalgia or fond memories attached to it, but it does not. The man lived within 7 miles of me for the past 12 years and in the time I've only seen him once, and that was at my mom's viewing. He was drunk.


Paulxx001 66M
22642 posts
6/17/2021 7:25 am

It seems like you're wading through a bunch of — other people's — tangled debris.
I understand. 😔
I've been through similar events; they don't last forever — they only SEEM like they do.
It's your LAST goodbye to the man who fathered you. I hope you can find a warm memory that brings you peace and comfort. 🌹


CL_Love 51M/50F
425 posts
6/17/2021 6:16 am

My stepsister somehow got my dad (who was both blind and super not well in renal failure) to sign some BS "new will" that basically cut me and my sister out. But she was a moron and he signed it without a notary present so it was thrown in the garbage. Unfortunately, she also got a bunch of his bank accounts moved to her name, got her mom to sign a beneficiary deed to a house and just flat out stole and pawned a bunch of other stuff. There wasn't even enough money to pay for the entire funeral after two years of probate hell. So sorry you are having to deal with this.
Part of me is a little bitter that all the years of hard work my dad put in amounted to him dying on the youngish side basically penniless. Part of me knows he gave me more wealth through instilling in me a hard work ethic and a god given intellect to be able to care for myself. He also got me away from my abusive mother at 14 (should have done it sooner, but he wasn't perfect). So I get it. (((HUGS)))


justskin1 72M
13175 posts
6/17/2021 6:07 am

A very stressful time with so many memories. May you get through it all without too much pain or drama.
Try to take good care of yourself and notice the bits of good and beauty that come by. I say try as it is not always easy.
Sending a hug of encouragement.

If you see me in the real world, come say "Hi Justskin."

I always behave. Preferably not well.


notsure1949 74M
10657 posts
6/17/2021 5:57 am

know what you are going through, buried mother and sister within 7 weeks of each other, niece and her hubby wanted to search the house, no will but lots of junk papers and stuff that nobody really wanted, niece was raised by my mom and sister and thought she was getting everything, but alas no will, so things got split between my other sister and me. an executor, her hubby,and me cleaned out the house of hoarders. mom was buried, sister cremated, both put in same grave. had to get executor because i was not trusted.


secret_lade 49F
9227 posts
6/17/2021 5:11 am

My brother, my dad's sister, and my dad's brother and wife met the Spawn and I at the funeral home yesterday.

I was so happy to not be alone.

I had not met my dad's brother and wife in person, we had merely remained in communication on faceplace, so they had waved excitedly when they drove past us in the parking lot.

My brother was also pulling into the parking lot at this point too.

While I'm glad that he is here, and taking care of all the details this time, I also know the only reason he is here is because he sees dollar signs in his eyes.

I can't even tell you how many times he said he was the beneficiary of dad's life insurance policy while we were at the funeral home yesterday. Even as we were sitting there, talking about burial plots and caskets, he was focused on getting into dad's apartment and cleaning out his belongings.

"I know that policy is in there."

At the end he was talking about going through dad's stuff and wanting to sort it with me and I told him, I'm not going to want anything that was there.

"Bobby, I'm not going to want anything that was in that apartment. There is no need to sort."

"Mom's stuff was in there too."

"I know. Like I said, there isn't going to be anything there that I would want."

I had said it kindly, it was definitely not said out of anger or bitterness. He looked at me like, how could I not want mom's stuff?!?

He doesn't exactly remember her the way I do....

I remember the woman who was emotionally and verbally abusive to me, the cigarette burns on my wrists are a permanent reminder to me of that.

Ugh....

So, day two of the funeral home looms ahead for me. Once again we are all coming together to finalize the obituary. We will be finalizing final costs of the burial and setting processes in place.

A chapter of my life is coming to a close

Thursday!


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